For the asexually curious and the curiously asexual

Archive for April, 2013

Also, my semi-annual search term clear-out

Top search term this quarter: Penes

 

NEVER. LATINATE. ON. THE. INTERNET.

This shit just will not die.

 

‘compromising sex positions’

‘sexually compromising positions’

 

It amuses me that this person found, I assume, one of my posts on the use of the word ‘compromise’ in asexual discourse. Silly google.

 

‘sexy asexual’

 

I don’t know what to do with this. Pride? Concern?

 

‘Pinkie pie sex’

 

Another regular favourite

 

‘Pinkie pie slut’

 

A new addition

 

‘my little pony sex games’

 

 

‘my little pony threesome gay’

 

 

‘my little pony ace pictures’

 

RESULT!!

 

‘my little pony pride flag’

 

This exists, right?

 

(I thought things were getting better, but the next pinkie pie related search is one I’m not going to reprint)

 

‘does a white rhinoceros reproduce asexually’

 

YOU AGAIN? 5 times in the last year!? I… I’m really tempted to write a post finally answering this poor guy’s question. If you’re reading, questioner: MALE WHITE RHINO + FEMALE WHITE RHINO = BABY WHITE RHINOS. Good luck with your rhino farm.

 

‘sexual alliteration’

 

I just… yes. This has to happen. BEST IDEA.

 

‘why penes’

 

I love the mournful, rather philosophical feel of this question

(bear in mind that every search term so far has had at least 4 hits)

 

‘i want to have sex with my crush’

 

Good for you.

 

‘asexual corset’

 

 

‘what does an asexual person mean’

 

Depends what they say.

 

‘what interesting on the internet’

 

I wish this worked. “Google! Take me somewhere… awesome!”

 

‘hey guys wings my back legs’

 

Give me a clue. Which is the verb?

 

‘magical queer’

 

You, sir, have come to the right place

 

‘lesbians fairies’

 

I like how this isn’t ‘lesbian fairies’. It’s like. ‘Lesbians. And fairies. Maybe the fairies and the lesbians can be friends?’

 

‘is it illegal for a human to asexual’

 

Highly. It’s also very dangerous. I wouldn’t recommend it without careful training.

 

‘poly, or asexual’

 

Go on. Have both. I won’t think you’re greedy.

 

‘do the white rhinos reproduce sexual or asexual’

 

Ok, so either a) my theory about a hilariously incompetent rhino farmer is correct, b) this is a homework question and all the kids googling it find my blog, or c) someone is deliberately finding my blog using these search terms to lay a false trail.

 

‘asexual pretty’

 

 

‘zucchini sexual reference’

 

Normally you don’t need a sexual reference, the standard two work/academic references will do

 

‘what is an alliteration for attraction’

 

This is some grade A irony right here.

 

‘introspective blogs on relationships’

 

I… guess this counts?

 

‘what are your curiosities about men’

 

Erm… not that many, searcher, but thanks for asking.

 

‘magical queer hat’

 

I was halfway through going ‘WTF’ when I realised this was a direct quote from me.

 

‘sexual alliteration t’

 

Oh. Now we’re just getting demanding. At least let me choose the letter, honey.

 

‘paradoks sex’

 

So apparently this is a kink now. All is right with the world.

 

‘sex all the alliteration’

 

Seriously, leave me alone.

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TW: acephobia

Dear straight people pretending to be ‘heteroromantic’ so you can gain access to queer spaces,

 

I see your game. As a queer space organiser, you cannot fool me. As you already know, we genuine queers (except the gay and trans* asexuals, who you have tricked into solidarity) see right through all your talk of oppression. We see that it’s nothing more than a ruse. And when we saw through ‘heteroromantic’ (please, its even got the same prefix as heterosexual. The only hetero we can cope with is heterogeneity), you invented ‘aromantic,’ and ‘demisexual.’ Please. I’ve been ‘demisexual’ ever since the first time I saw a random guy on the cover of GQ magazine and realised I was sexually attracted to men. You can’t make a sexuality out of what everyone is! And as for aromantic… well, I have no idea what ‘aromantic’ is. But I’m beginning to suspect that you don’t either!
Anyway, you know all that. You’ve been plotting long in advance, besieging us and oppressing us at every turn. Well, now for the point of this letter:

 

Fine.

 

You win.

From now on, we’ll be letting all asexuals into queer spaces, not just the actually queer ones. From now on, it’s a fucking free-for-all. You’ll be allowed to come along with your opposite-sex partners and lord it over us gays (and bisexuals, pansexuals and trans* people) with our exclusively same-sex attractions.

I mean, I don’t know why you want to. You’d think that the fact that we’re explicitly focused on queer acceptance and open-minded expressions of orientation and gender identity would discourage anyone who wasn’t into those things. You’d think that only those asexuals who felt like they had a place with us would turn up regularly and reach out to the queer communities. But no, there you’ll be, the masses of straighties who’ve tricked your way in. Week after week. Coming along to all our pub crawls and bingo nights and day trips just to silently oppress us with your secret straightness. I can’t understand why you hold so much hatred for us that you’d spend so much time making friends with us and becoming part of our communities and maybe even helping out with panels and protests and bake sales. I guess you’re just that petty.
Fine. Whatever.

See you at the bingo night,

A queer spaces organiser

~~~~~
So I said I’d try and make everything ace that I wrote be an asexual agenda guest post from now on. This one isn’t, because its kinda petty and pointless and I am so totally bored of this subject now. Basically wrote it to vent.

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