For the asexually curious and the curiously asexual

The numbers game

Dear Romantic Asexuals (and other, especially avoidant, asexuals who want to have intimate or committed relationships)

You’re told that nonsexual romantic relationships are a numbers game of two compatible asexuals meeting up.

You’re told that asexuals and allosexual people can work out relationship compromises, and then, if you ask what that looks like, you’re told it’s your partner having other lovers.

And everyone who argues this, allo or ace, will laugh in your face if you doubt them. But please, please doubt them. They’re wrong. They’re so wrong.


Who the heck said allosexual people all want sex?

Take this one study, which says that 9% of (USian, 25-45 year old) women and 14% of similar men describe themselves as virgins.
Now, admittedly, that’s gonna include a fair number of 26 year olds who have it on their to-do list. But not with the urgency that some people think all allosexuals have. And a good chunk of it seems to be devout christians, who might be on a no-sex-before-marriage pledge. But think of all the people on this list who just aren’t that interested, would possibly have it but wouldn’t mind not- that’s got to be at least 1% of the population. That DOUBLES your chances.
And then count all the people who’ve had sex, at some point, but don’t especially mind going without. That’s the number I can’t even guess, but I reckon there’s a lot. Seriously.

So, in conclusion, challenge ‘allosexuals need sex’. It’s a fucking massive thing to just assume.

This post brought to you by the ‘It’s complicated’ side. The ‘scientific’ evidence in it is… pretty fucking weak (if anyone has better, would love to see it). But see this as a laying down the gauntlet. We have actual numbers that suggest that sexual activity isn’t massively important to all allosexuals. If you want to keep stating ‘allosexual need sex’ like it’s proven fact, find something to back it up. Anecdata doesn’t count. ‘Everyone knows’ doesn’t count. You’re going to have to start doing better than that.


Comments on: "The numbers game" (6)

  1. Calinlapin said:

    Yes, let’s go with some HSDD prevalence numbers (women only) :

    Schover, Piccolo (82) : 32 to 55%
    West and al : 26.7%
    Lauman (99) : 43%

    Normal sexuality for normal people have lived.

    • Thanks. For some reason, I completely forgot about those ‘around 50% of women have abnormally low levels of sexual desire’ statistics, even though I love them, for their self-evident failiness. That’s a much better statistic to base the theory that allosexuals aren’t completely unlike asexuals on.

  2. […] in ace communities occasionally have some pretty one-dimensional ideas about allosexuals, when there’s actually a fair amount of diversity with regards to sex drive.    And even among aces, just being sex-indifferent or sex-favorable […]

  3. This isn’t something I had thought about, but I’m glad you bring it up, because it’s good to keep in mind. And I’m sure, like a lot of aces, many of the allosexuals who aren’t that interested in sex might not say anything until the topic is specifically brought up– because there is such a pressure/assumption that everyone wants to be having sex, and anyone who doesn’t is seen as “weird”/not believed.

    • Brianca Wright said:

      It’s probably why I’m a bit confused about my orientation because I do identify with many Asexuals. And if in fact I am sexual (or allosexual how you guys put it) I would have absolutely no problem dating (or potentially marrying) an asexual. Ever since I learned about Asexuals I became “obsessed” in a way, because I feel that variance offers unique insights to life, and in this case relationships. Growing up, I would disagree or feel repulsion towards so-called standards as to what relationships should be like, certain expectations, or resistance to modifying certain behaviors.

      I think Asexuals offer – reveal and/or enhance – other forms of relationships that doesn’t require sex, showing that it can be just as or more fulfilling than sexual relationships.

  4. ettinacat said:

    The big group that revealed this lesson to me are single mothers by choice. I’m thinking of becoming an SMC because I’m asexual and some kind of grey-romantic-ish. But I’d be the minority among SMCs – most SMCs are heterosexual women, in their 30s or 40s, who haven’t had good luck with romantic relationships and have decided having a child is a bigger priority. Many of these women openly acknowledge that they might never meet ‘Mr Right’, and seem to have accepted that. But they couldn’t accept never having a child, so they had kids on their own.

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