For the asexually curious and the curiously asexual

STOP THE PRESSES!

Ok, so apparently they were HIDING the overwhelmingly misandraic stuff behind innocuous looking tabs and bad website design.

Canny bastards.

Now, because I’m apparently very self-indulgent today, I’m going to go over the rest of it. You may want to skip this post.

Let’s start with the equal and opposite of what Holly first mentioned. They ask what sexuality you are, including homosexual, and then Q1 assumes you want a romantic relationship with a woman.

Q6 is the textbook example of a question which could so easily have not been a leading question:

Do men get screwed by the courts in divorce?

 Yes.

 No, men and women generally get fair and equal treatment.

 No, if anything, women are the ones who get screwed by the courts.

Q9. How many dates should a man pay for?

 All of them.

 The majority of them until the relationship is established.

 The majority of them for the duration of the relationship.

 No more than the woman does.

 None. The woman should pay for them all.

Compare and contrast with the women’s survey. It’s almost like they know what answers they want, and are using a mixture of closed and open questions to get them. Almost.

Q13. Do you know anyone who has set up a secret Facebook account to conceal a relationship from his girlfriend/wife?

 Yes.

 No.

 I have done so myself.

Is it just me, or does this not make sense at all? So you create a new account so your mistress can add you as a friend. But presumably, you don’t want your ENTIRE circle of contacts to be in on it, so you have no, or very few, friends on the other account. So your mistress either knows that your new facebook account is secret because you don’t want to get caught, at which point, why aren’t you just using email? Or she thinks it’s your public account, and that you have practically no friends. And what happens when your partner’s mother or some other acquaintance searches for your name and comes up with the secret account not the public one? Or with both accounts? THIS PLAN MAKES NO SENSE. Why can you not just use email?

Q17. How often do you make an effort to be romantic?

I’ve decided to be bitter about this question. *is bitter*

Q19. Do your current/past partners recognise your efforts to be romantic?

There’s no option for ‘I haven’t dated’. Also, no option for ‘I’m not romantic,’ even if you’re using the word in the sense they’re using it.

Public health message on Q22: Have you ever lied about the number of sex partners you’ve had?

The answer ‘Yes, it’s no-one’s business but my own’ is wrong. You’re not allowed to lie to potential partners about your sexual history. /Message.

Qdidn’t makeanoteofthenumberandcbatogoback. In your opinion, how often do couples with healthy sex lives have sex?

I found out the other day that the NHS gives out sexual aids on the basis that people will have sex once a week, because that’s the average. Any more than that, no luck. Any less, what a waste.

This fascinating Radio 4 tidbit is intended to fill the void in this post where my opinion about how much sex you should be having should be.

Q24. Have you ever insincerely told a woman you love her in order to get sex?

This is possibly the best example, but all the questions here are based on the idea that men are sexually voracious and hunt women. There’s always the option to say ‘no, I’m not like that’, but there aren’t questions about, for example, how much you value romance for its own sake, or whether you’ve ever been lied to by a woman.

The statistics that are going to come out of this will be fairly strongly pointing in the direction that men do whatever they want to get sex and women never offer it willingly, because those are the questions they never ask.

Q25. Have you ever fantasised about a partner’s friend?

 Yes, I fantasise about her friends regularly.

 Yes, I have in the past, but I try to avoid it now.

 No, but I have to restrain myself from doing so.

 No, I have no interest in any of her friends.

This is the second question I nominate for the ‘How not to make a survey’ textbook. It’s simply classic as an example of a subtly moralising question. It doesn’t say “FANTASISING IS WRONG. DO YOU DO IT?” but it insinuates it with every word. And, for the record, I don’t see what’s wrong about it. Non-monogamous non-romantic asexual is essentially clueless as to why this is an issue. And is actually struggling, at this point, not to turn the entire thing into a theology debate about the teachings of Jesus, because that would just be far more interesting and relevant to modern life. Fortunately, I’m not quite that self-indulgent. *deletes theology paragraph*

Q26. Of the choices below, which sexual act do you most fantasise about engaging in with your partner?

 A threesome.

 Anal sex.

 Sex in public.

 Filming ourselves having sex.

 None of these.

If you’ve been keeping up to date with Holly’s Cosmocking series, you’ll know why this is a bad question. Essentially, Cosmo has an article lined up with “_% of men think __ is the best thing ever!”, or, more likely, “All men love ___”. And they’ll slot in the winning option. It doesn’t actually mean anything about what men love, because they’ve already decided all the answers which will be acceptable. And these answers will seem like they’re coming out of the mouths of men, not magazine editors.

Q27. Would you be willing to tell your partner that you want to engage in this fantasy together?

 Yes.

 No, I would be scared that she wouldn’t be into it.

 No, I would be scared that she’d think I was a pervert.

Here’s a subtle one. There is no option for ‘I DON’T want to engage in the fantasy with my partner. I just like fantasising about it.’ Which says a lot about our attitude to fantasies and desire (especially when you might find something, like filming sex, hot in theory but too risky in practice).

In fact, the lack of ‘No, I’m scared I wouldn’t be into it’ could say something about the way we characterise sexual exploration for men.

Public service announcement #2: For question 30: Would you be offended if a woman faked an orgasm during intercourse with you?, the answer ‘Yes,  I would be offended that I wasn’t able to pleasure her’ is the wrong answer. Orgasm =/= pleasure. Also, you have to be offended AT someone or something. Are you annoyed at her because you couldn’t pleasure her? How does that make the situation better, or prove that you’re a mature adult? Also, you know that something like 70% of… eugh, fuck it. Everyone reading this knows all this anyway.

There is a question about whether the man has faked an orgasm, though. Which I approve of.

Q35. At what point does a woman become sexually promiscuous?

Answers range from 5-50 sex partners (at least they’re acknowledging homosexuality again), then ‘never’. I think the answer is 2.

Interestingly, 2 is also the answer to the question ‘Out of the last 3 questions in this section, how many are direct repeats or rephrasings of questions at other points in the survey?’

Q11 (wait, whut?) In your opinion, of the choices below, which country has the best-dressed men? 

 U.S.

 UK.

 France.

 Spain.

 Japan.

 Germany.

 Australia.

 Brazil.

 Italy.

I skipped a load because they were dull and about cars (or about clothes, but completely ignoring the existence of charity shops). But this one reminds me of a question on a personality test, where your choice presumably says something meaningful about you. Possibly what character in Hetalia you’re most like.

Q13. Who would win in a cooking competition between you and your partner?

 I would win.

 She would win.

 I am single.

YOU ADMITTED THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE HOMOSEXUAL! YOU INVITED THEM TO TAKE YOUR SURVEY! YOU SPECIFICALLY MADE PROVISION FOR THEM! WHAT! THE! FUCK!!!

Q14 is about which body parts women like. Unsurprisingly, cock isn’t there. But nor is face, hair, smile, eyes. Any of the stuff I really go for (or would choose in my choice of same-gendered male-male queer partner *hint hint*). This is why we have headless men on the packaging of all underwear ever. Because men have this weird notion that nothing above their neck is sexy. Which must be partly being fed by the fact that the other things become sexy when you pay money at a gym, wheras your smile becomes sexy when you feel confident in the body you’re in.

Lots of questions about business and career. The statistics will show that men care about their careers and women are strangely silent on them. That’s because the statistics didn’t ask.

Q20. Do you feel that you have ever been sexually harassed in the workplace?

I like this question. There have been a handful like this, and, at this late stage in the game, I decided it was unfair to only do the problematic ones. AskMen has done some things right, and some of their questions are much less stereotyped and have much greater integrity than I expected.

Of course, what with the fact that relatively few respondents on any internet survey will have been harassed at work, and the fact that people in general, male people in particular, are taught not to recognise harassment, not to mention the disproportionate number of AskMen readers who I expect to be relatively young (thus not necessarily in career mode yet) and keen on proving their manliness through their sexual voracity (it’s a site dedicated to ‘how to be masculine’. You know it’ll attract some of that sort), what we’ll probably end up seeing is that the response to this looks tiny compared to the response to, say, ‘Would you lie for sex?’. But kudos on asking.

Q21. Do women put too much value on a man’s financial worth?

 Yes, and it bothers me that women are so shallow.

 Yes, but men put a lot of value on women’s looks, so it balances out.

 Yes, but it works to my advantage.

 No.

This was in the Women’s Survey too. It makes a lot more sense now I know it was copied directly over from the Men’s.

Q22. Of the choices listed below, which one workplace achievement gives you the greatest satisfaction?

 Completing a challenging project.

 Being publicly applauded for a job well done.

 A flirting session with the secretary.

 Humiliating a colleague by publicly defeating him in an argument.

 Winning a cross-board stare-down.

 So apart from wondering what a cross-board stare-down is (is it like the apprentice, where they’re all moody and manly and make their egos fill up the room with no sense of self-awareness? Or is it when you’re stuck in a meeting that’s really dull so decide to make stupid faces at the person across the table from you?), and kinda loosing the points I awarded them for awareness about workplace harrassment, I think this question is a good example of the rest of the survey.

Compare with the last question Holly reviews. Compare and contrast. There is an equivalent ‘status symbol’ question later, but the fact that they have this, in amongst a list of questions about career aspirations and ethics, really shows what they expect of a man. And what they don’t expect of a woman.

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