For the asexually curious and the curiously asexual

Yes and no

So we’ve been talking a lot about sex-positivity recently. This is a pretty good example of the sort of conclusions the asexual community has been coming to, written by someone who might not be on your regular reading.

And I’m going to admit, I’m annoyed when I see statements about how ever-wonderful sex is in sex-positivity. I don’t like it when people act like bi or pan is the most enlightened sexual orientation, because who you’re attracted to isn’t a matter of political expediency, and some people can’t or shouldn’t help being attracted to people who fall almost entirely to a particular side of the gender binary, or attracted to no-one. That’s basic.

I don’t like it when people say that sex is sacred, that it is a primal force within us all, that every sensation is a sexual sensation because sex equals life. I don’t want to have to explain why using your personal religious beliefs to create perscriptive rules about how and whether people should have sex is a really fucking bad idea.

And I almost can’t believe I’m saying this, it’s so blindingly obvious, but the reason everyone isn’t spiritually pansexual is because no is a really GOOD word. No goes beautifully with sex. Without it, the entire sex-positive mission just crumbles. Because we are genuinely all unique flowers. That means some of us get turned on by Pamela Anderson, and we somehow can’t operate an equality policy when it comes to David Hasselhoff. We SHOULDN’T be operating an equality policy with our minds, or our beds, or our genitals. It means some of us will absolutely love that special move with the leather implements, and some of us will be bored or uncomfortable. It means we all define sexuality on our own terms. Defining sexuality on your own terms, a fundamental human right, means making  full and total use of the buttons marked ‘icky’ and ‘dull’ and ‘not for me’.

Why is this difficult? Seriously?


Comments on: "Yes and no" (4)

  1. I’ve always thought that anyone claiming to be sex-positive who did not allow for there to be people who said “no” all the time was inconsistent. To be truly in favor of sexual liberty, I need to have NOs respected whenever they occur, however many times they occur. Otherwise, it reinforces rape culture. I agree with you. I don’t know why this is so hard for a lot of supposedly sex-positive people (like Joy Davidson…) to understand.

  2. I’m tryhing to understand all the things related to this issue myself. I’m not anti-sex, but I don’t see the need to proclaim this to the world.

    • The three top reasons I can think of:

      -People die from things people say that are anti-sex. People get stoned or sexually assaulted or beaten to death (or a whole range of other, less dramatic, but still horrible, horrible things) because society says that judging someone by how much and what sex they have is ok. And it’s not just the people who speak out and say that the judging is ok, it’s the people who think it’s wrong and stay silent who let this happen.

      -For sexual people, being outspoken about not being anti-sex means that they can start to build a society in which they can live the lives they want to without fear. They can cut judgemental people out of their lives, and form communities full of people who aren’t anti-sex. Which also means it’s easier to have the sex that they want.

      -For asexual people, we’re presumed to be prudish, snobbish, anti-sex, conservative and emotionally immature enough to judge people for not wanting the same things we do. For some of us, especially liberal asexuals who sometimes spend a great deal of time doing what #1 recommends and speaking out for the rights of those who need to be spoken for (I’m thinking here of DJ, who has good connections with the sex-positive movement, and lots of asexuals who do meatspace activism with LGBTQ groups), these stereotypes really hurt, and they’re also incredibly damaging for the movement as a whole.

  3. […] asexual curiosities: Yes and no And I almost can’t believe I’m saying this, it’s so blindingly obvious, but the reason […]

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