For the asexually curious and the curiously asexual

You can completely blame Sciatrix for this. That’s not entirely true- I’d been having problems with people trying to comment on my blogspot blog for a while, and with having an account that worked with other forms of blog, and with not having enough flexibility to do what I wanted. And, since I’m going to start the 101 project soon, and that’s probably going to be wordpress, I thought I’d better see how it works.

So, here I am. To the dozen or so people following me, sorry for the inconvenience.


Comments on: "So, I appear to be at wordpress now" (18)

  1. I’ve always had problems with Blogger’s embedded comment system. But I avoid WordPress because I hear it requires more internet savviness. Good luck! I’ll update all my links.

    • There are a LOT more buttons. But it seems reasonably logical, and not overwhelming. And I’ve never realised how much I didn’t have in terms of comment viewing, stats, general user control.

      The one thing I really miss is the way Blogger has some sort of built-in feed for viewing blogs you follor. I think I’m going to have to manufacture my own RSS feed, now, and Blogger’s system seems more intuitive and built-in, to me.

  2. Hey there! I couldn’t find any contact info, so forgive the off-topic comment.

    I discovered your blog today by accident, and I’m enthralled. I’m sexual, but I’m active in the poly and kink communities, and it seems like you have a ton you could teach us. I saw your post on the intersections between poly and asexuality, and I think you’re spot on.

    I guess my main goal for posting is to ask where I should start exploring the asexual community. You mention in another post that there aren’t any great “101” resources, but what’s going to be the best substitute?

    Thanks for your time, and keep up the great work!

    • Hi, Semiel. Your comment makes me happy, that people like you want to join in the dialogue, and sad, that I don’t really have anywhere to link you. As far as I know, there is no good, centralised dialogue on asexuality and poly or kink.

      This blog:
      is written by a kinky asexual, who has some interesting thoughts, and may have ideas on where you can find more kinky asexual discussion.

      This blog:
      has loads of interesting thoughts about different relationship styles, how you can do intimacy based on community, or without traditional romantic relationships, though it’s now mostly archive.

      I don’t know of anyone or anywhere which talks extensively about the intersections between poly and asexual. From some quick googling, I’ve got this too-too-short interview with the guy who wrote the blog I linked above:
      (but it looks like they’ve written some more about asexuality from a sexual perspective?)

      • Thanks!

        I’m not too worried about the asexuality/kink connection. Not because it’s uninteresting, but because the kink community already recognizes the non-sexual elements of kink to a reasonable degree. Also, I have a couple asexual kinky friends, so I can just ask them. :)

        The asexual/poly connection has gotten me going on wild tangents of interesting thoughts though. Even just the basic acknowledgement that non-sexual relationships deserve the same consideration as sexual ones strikes me as crucial and under-acknowledged. Add in romantic orientation stuff, demisexuality, and the community-based stuff, and I think you’ve got a potential revolution in the poly world.

        Asexual Underground looks awesome, I’ll definitely check that out.

        Hmm, maybe I need to start a blog. :)

      • Thought of another question. Sorry for the interrogation.

        What the hell do the terms romantic and aromantic mean? What’s the difference between being aromantic and “naturally polyamorous”, if there is one?

        • “What the hell do the terms romantic and aromantic mean?”

          I’m rofling at this, because I’ve seen at least five asexuals this fortnight say exactly the same thing. The big secret is that no-one really knows. If you keep lurking in the blogosphere, I reckon someone will write something incisive in the next month or so. In fact, come to think of it, there’s this post:
          Which explains a lot.

          ‘what’s the difference between being aromantic and naturally polyamorous?’- Interesting question. For now, I’m going to devide aromantic between the traditional label, where someone is just not interested in relationships, and the new label, which I’ve heard called ‘greyromantic’ or ‘WTFromantic’. I’m assuming you’re talking about WTFromantics in your question. WTFrs reject the idea that relationships fall easily between romantic and platonic. Because of this, I’m guessing most WTFrs will be happy having mulitiple relationships which knowingly screw with this binary, and take on aspects of traditional romantic relationships. Note here that I don’t know- it’s entirely possible that some WTFrs do it while maintaining a completely non-poly identity, and I just haven’t met anyone who does that yet. So I think the crucial difference is that polyamorous people, atm, are more likely to buy into the relationship binary and firmly seperate relationships from friends. WTFrs- well, I really don’t know what our relationships look like yet.

          Now I have a question for you- I’ve heard tales of entire offline communities of polyamorous and generally non-monogamy friendly people. If you’ve read my asexuality and polyamory post, you’ll know that I’m kinda searching for ways to be more involved with the polyamory community. Do you know of any way I could find out where these communities exist near me?

          • Also, if you did start a blog, that would be awesome. We need more card-carrying poly people thinking about this stuff and writing about it on the internet.

            Plus, you seem like a generally thoughtful and interesting person.

          • I totally agree that the poly community tends to accept the binary. I think that’s a blind spot, and part of why I’m so excited about discovering the asexual community.

            I guess my question about aromance is this:

            Do we define romance as intimacy and human connection? If so, then I find it hard to believe aromantics exist, and would be fascinated to learn more about them.

            Do we define romance as the possessiveness and obsession of monogamy? Then I’m aromantic, and so are a ton of my friends.

            Or does it mean something in the middle? More specific than “desire for intimacy” but less specific than “desire for monogamy”? If so, then I would love to hear a full definition, because I’m not sure what this “romance” thing is. :p

            It’s fine if you don’t have all the answers, obviously, I’m just wondering if there’s some common knowledge I’m lacking.

            For finding local groups, googling “polyamory [location]” can be quite effective. Also, there’s a wiki:


            I think there may be more resources I’m forgetting, so let me know if that doesn’t help, and I’ll go digging for other options.

            And don’t worry, I’m pretty sure I’ll crack and start a blog pretty soon. I posted some initial thoughts based on your blog at fetlife (a kinky social networking site with lots of poly people), and got a pretty positive response.

            • Start a blog! Start a blog!


              What does romantic attraction mean?
              Again, I think you’re just a little to early for a BIG conversation about this, because a lot of people are unhappy about the level of knowledge we currently have. If you start a blog, you’re likely to even be a starting point for it.

              We’ve spent a lot of time discussing sexual attraction, and assumed that people know what romantic attraction means. The two main definitions I can think of are:
              -forming some form of pair-bond or something (even if non-monogamous) which approaches conventional relationships.
              -being interested in types of intimacy traditionally thought of as romantic (hugging, kissing, hand-holding)

              And no-one knows, because of this, what it means to be romantic, or, beyond that, what it means to be aromantic.

            • Hi! *waves* I hope you don’t mind me jumping in here, because as another greyromantic/aromantic/WTF/divide by cucumber I’ve been thinking about this stuff a lot.

              Do we define romance as intimacy and human connection? If so, then I find it hard to believe aromantics exist, and would be fascinated to learn more about them.

              The definition of romance is a very tricky one, and I think I suspect it may differ from individual to individual. However, in society romantic relationships are associated with a number of things – sexual interest for sexual people, some degree of exclusivity for monogamous people (and possibly even for some not entirely monogamous people, although you’d know that better than me), a strong emotional connection, some kind of permanence, certain societal signifiers like marriage, certain behaviours… the list goes on, and the bizarre thing is that I can’t find a single item that is present in all romantic relationships or never present in any nonromantic relationships. For instance, you talk about defining romance as intimacy or human connection – but you can be deeply intimate with your friends or (to make the issue here obvious) your relatives – parents, siblings, children – and the vast majority of people wouldn’t call that romantic. There are, I’m sure, people in romantic relationships who have even deeper emotional intimacy with someone who is not their romantic partner. A lot of sexual people, I’ve found, try defining romance as “friendship + sex” but this has obvious pitfalls (what about friends with benefits? what about long-distance relationships, or people who are dating but where one person develops health problems and experiences a loss of libido – does that automatically mean the relationship turns into a friendship?)

              I’ve been trying to work out wtf romance actually is for years and the closest I’ve come is “it’s romance if you think it’s romance”. Any insight you have is appreciated!

            • @Kaz & slightlymetaphysical:

              Got my blog started, and I have a post about (a)romance up. It’s at:


  3. I’m so incredibly pleased about this. WORDPRESS BLOGS FOR EVERYBODY.

  4. Welcome to WP! I’m glad to find you here. I’m bisexual/pansexual myself. I’m also poly. Definitely interested in learning more about asexual perspectives so I’m subsribing and looking forward to reading more.



    *tries to look dignified*

  6. […] the definition of (a)romantic. We had a brief but useful conversation on this subject over at Asexual Curiosities, which led to this […]

  7. […] Others have suggested that romantic attraction is a desire to be in what is in some way A Relationship, either in a way that is distinct from, or in a way that is somehow more than, an ordinary platonic relationship. […]

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